A few weeks ago I had the most epic conversation with my friend John via text...
Me- So this is the random conversation in my head while I'm making curry tonight... If I was a stripper I wouldn't go by "Ginger" or "Cinnamon" I would totally be "Cumin"... LOL!
...wow...Win...but wow.
Haha yeah. That's the sort of shit that I think about when I am alone.
...you do see the pun in the name right? That was intentional?
Ummm yeah, the pun is why it's funny give me a little credit.
I figured, I was just making sure. Because if you had picked a spice at random and it just HAPPENED to be that I may have passed out from laughter lol.
Nope, there was irony there.
What was even more ironic was that less than a month after having this conversation I would be making my very first trip to a strip club.
When I first started planning my adventure year and decided to make February "sexuality" month, everyone started chiming in with ideas. My friend Amber jokingly suggested that I go see the Chippendale dancers and I thought to myself, "Oh yeah! The strip club! That could be interesting...incredibly awkward, but interesting... After all, this year is about pushing myself and being open to new experiences. It could be fun, right?" So last Friday night, (I feel like this is an intro to a bad Katy Perry song...), as sort of an "Alternative Valentine's Day Extravaganza,"a group of friends and I went out and popped my strip club cherry.
I was right, it was awkward. REALLY AWKWARD.
I don't think I have blushed that much since the sixth grade when they sat all of the girls down and gave us the talk about menstrual cycles. (I believe the book they handed out was called "Growing Up and Liking It!" I don't know about you, but I always thought that title was a little disturbing and ominous...)
To my friends who had been to a strip club before, me being embarrassed was quality entertainment in and of itself. Who needs dancing naked women when your friend is making a complete ass out of herself?! (I'll give them credit though, they were very supportive and did their best to help me relax even as they teased me mercilessly...) As for a couple of my other friends who were also strip club virgins, I was in good company as far as being nervous went. I think they spent the majority of the night analyzing costume choices and the lighting effects haha.
As the evening wore on, and I grew less uncomfortable, I was told it was time move stage side if I wanted the full experience. Prior to this we had been sitting in the back of the room, so I gathered my singles and my courage and went into the belly of the beast- front row seats where boobies and booty where flying free.
This is where I got a real education. My strip club savvy friends explained that when a stripper "pays attention" to you, you stick a dollar in their g-string. "Pay attention" to you? Okay, like what are they going to do? Say "Top of the morning to ya!" and dance a jig? Sadly, I think I would have found that more entertaining. NO. Instead they shove their triple D breasts in your face and make you motorboat them whether you want to or not.
I must have had a deer in the headlights look, or been giving off some pretty strong scared little bunny pheromones that they picked up with their super stripper senses, because for the most part they left me alone. That is unless my friend Mike, who felt he needed to be my strip club concierge, would sick them on me with a malicious grin. That resulted in my ear lobe being molested by a Russian in a body sock, and an orange oompa loompa Malibu Barbie giving me this weird butt dance with her glute muscles. (I almost didn't want to fork over a dollar for that one, it was disturbing...) We had been sitting front row for awhile when I was told to "pick my stripper." I was informed I wasn't allowed to leave the place without getting a lap dance first, courtesy of my friends.
What did I say when I took my vows back in October? Oh yeah- "Go big, or go home." Fuck me. I didn't think I would be eating my own words... So I picked the most non-threatening stripper I could find, which let me tell ya, wasn't easy.
She was actually very pretty, about my age, maybe a little younger, with long red hair and a Monroe piercing. Mike being the excellent wing man that he was tracked her down and propositioned her for me. She, of course, agreed. So Ember, (I am assuming that was her stage name, hence the red hair and red costume), grabbed my hand and lead me back to the hall of lap dance rooms and sat me down in a booth. At this point I am so freaked out about the idea of a strange person gyrating their mostly naked body on me, that I would have gladly traded places with a root canal patient. (Become one with the furniture, become one with the furniture...) Of course by then I was past the point of no return, so I did what I always do when I am nervous- I word vomited all over the poor stripper and this was the resulting conversation...
*Some information has been changed to protect Ember's identity...
"So this is your first time at a strip club? Are you just turning 21?"
No, I am actually 25.
"So strip clubs probably scare you shitless then, huh?"
Uh, yeah pretty much.
"But this is the best place on earth!" Pause as she shakes her ass a little closer to my face than I am comfortable with, and I am bracing myself against the back of the booth trying to avoid her g-string... "So what do you do for a living?"
I'm a social worker.
"Oh, boy..."
Yeah I know, I am not judging though I promise.
"So what do you do as a social worker?"
I work with elementary school kids in name of school district.
"Oh! I went to Pickerington High School!"
So you probably get asked this a lot, but why did you start dancing?
"Well, I am trying to work my way through school."
What are you going to school for?
"Design."
Oh, that's cool.
"Yeah, I sorta screwed up my life, and I know this isn't the best way to fix it, but I am trying to get back on track."
Well good for you! That's awesome! I have to say though, I wish I was a fraction as comfortable with my body as you are with yours.
"What are you talking about?! You're skinny as shit!" Pause as she wiggles her nipple pasties in my face... "I was down to about ninety pounds when I was still doing drugs, but I have been clean for awhile."
That's great! I am really glad you are healthy now!
As she was putting her shoes back on... "I'm so glad you were a girl, I am getting really tired of giving lap dances to men with erections tonight..."
Thanks?
"Well I hope it was good for your first time."
(What exactly was I supposed to say to that? So I said-) Yeah, you did a really good job, thanks a lot.
Dazed and confused, coming out of the backroom felt like a walk of shame. As I slunk back to my cheering friends, I was blushing so hard I wouldn't have been surprised if someone told me was I was purple. Shortly after they took pity on me and took me home.
In the end, however, I can say I came away with several things from the experience...
1) I learned that despite my facade of being "open and sexually accepting" I am much more of a prude than I care to admit. Although to be fair, seeing mostly naked people didn't bother me as much as those mostly naked people touching me did. However, I have a feeling that had more to do with my issue of not wanting strangers in general to touch me, than the fact that they were strippers.
2) (Weird as it might sound considering I was at a strip club of all places...) I really believe my idea of beauty was challenged and expanded. There were girls of all shapes and sizes- tall, short, thick, thin, black, white, blonde, brunette, small breasts, large breasts, completely unnatural breasts... but every single woman moved gracefully and with such confidence. Hell, I can't even do that half the time with my clothes on, so in a way I guess I sort of admired them for it.
3) Some of the girls could SERIOUSLY work a pole, holy shit. These were the girls I wouldn't want to tangle with on the street, because anyone who can hang upside down ten feet off the ground with nothing but their legs could probably crush my skull like a watermelon between their thighs... Not to mention they made it look so stinkin sexy at the same time. It put my feeble attempts at Carmen Electra's strip tease workouts back in college to shame.
All in all, I can now officially say I have been to a strip club and survived. (Okay, I might even admit that it really wasn't bad at all and I actually had a lot of fun...) Despite one of my particularly naughty friends suggesting in a facetious way that I should come back for "amateur night," I doubt Cumin will be making an appearance at a strip club any time soon, and to be perfectly honest, that's fine with me. I am okay with being who I am, a "skinny as shit," (high praise coming from a stripper), word vomiting social worker, who blushes easily, and is trying to learn to loosen up a bit sexually. Hats off to you ladies! You definitely helped me go a long way in just one night on that particular stand point...
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
It's Raining Men!
Hallelujah? I am still undecided on the topic, but I'm getting ahead of myself...
It all started this weekend when I had to meet my soon to be ex-husband to do 2012 taxes (yay tax season!) I was really anxious because I had absolutely no idea how it would go. It was the first time I had seen him in the three months since I moved out. After the initial awkwardness had passed, we feel into our old familiar banter and ended up spending the afternoon together catching up. This was actually very cathartic and healing. I think it helped clear the air and allowed us to take our first baby steps towards being friends after the divorce. I'm glad because, despite the fact that I think we made terrible spouses, I really missed him and his ridiculous sense of humor. Neither of us regret our decision, and even after everything that has happened he's still one of the few people in this world who knows almost everything about me. I hope we remain close because we did, and really do still care about each other. Many of you might be thinking, "Okay this is weird, two people who are getting divorced are actually nice to to each other? That's not how it's supposed to work!"
You're right, we are probably the exception rather than the rule when it comes to divorces, and for that I feel very blessed. Besides, for those of you who actually know me, when have I ever done anything the "normal" way? You think hanging out with your ex is weird? What if I told you that not only did we spend time together without wanting to strangle each other, but we traded dating tips? Then you'd probably think we were bat shit crazy...
But it's true. We joked for at least a good hour about our feeble attempts at dating, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It was during the course of this discussion he told me one of the kindest and most sincere things anyone has ever said to me...
"Someday we will both find our soul-mates."
I know, I want us both to be happy.
"Just do me one favor..."
What's that?
"Don't settle. Don't settle for anything less than the best because you deserve it."
I cry every time I think of that conversation. This is the man I married years ago, this is the man, excruciatingly difficult as it is, that I am giving up. Despite our incompatibility, he's a sweet and wonderful man and I love him dearly (and he's single ladies!! *wink*wink).
Anyway, to make a long back story short, he was the one who suggested trying out OkCupid.com, a free online dating website. Oh boy...
Now, I have always said I would never date men I met online. I have nothing against it per say it just never really felt my "style". But, I figured what the hell, I'll check it out anyway, not like I have anything better to do. So Saturday night I started working on a profile. Before I was even finished filling the damn thing out I already had three guys leaving me messages. Within twelve hours I had seventeen more messages waiting for me in my inbox. All of them telling me I'm "beautiful," "funny," or "seemed really sweet." At first I felt like Scarlet O'Hara and the belle of the ball! All these guys were talking about little ole me! You can't help but feel like you are oozing sexuality when so many men are fighting for your attention. Then I started to realize, "Shit, sifting through all these emails is going to be extremely tedious and annoying..." And believe me I have had some real winners...
My very first email was from a guy named *Dave (names have been changed to protect the pervy...), and it consisted of-
"Hi, my name is Dave, 44. If you secretly like old guys you should message me..."
Yeeeaaahhhh.... Not the best pick up line my friend. Although it's better than the message I got from some caveman whose name I can't even remember because I deleted it so fast, which in its entirety read-
"Hmmmm...."
Hmmm, what? You find me interesting? Pretty? Repulsive? Hmmm, you're a moron and wasting my time? My vote is for the last one.
The other thing that kills me are the guys who message me and clearly have not read my profile, (which is a shame because it's a beautifully written, somewhat sarcastic masterpiece in the world of on-line dating profiles). For example I had an Indian vegetarian contact me when I clearly listed "bacon" as one of my six things I couldn't live without. In fact, if he bothered to read my profile at all he would have noticed this little gem under "Favorite Foods"...
If it includes bacon, I will eat it. If you can wrap it in bacon, I will eat it. Not to go on a tangent or anything, but I firmly believe that bacon is a gift from the gods and should not be squandered. If I could win a lifetime supply of bacon I would die a happy woman... probably of congestive heart failure, but happy none the less.
So please, please, explain to me in what alternate universe would a vegetarian and myself be able to coexist peacefully when pork products are being consumed in large amounts on a weekly, sometimes daily basis at my house? Read My Damn Profile!
Oh, and ninety percent of the guys who apparently do read my profile are creepy mouth breathers who get all hot and bothered by my Game of Thrones references, or the comment under "Favorite Movies" which states- I'm a huge fan of StarWars. If you don't know who Admiral Ackbar is then I'm sorry but, "This is not the girl you are looking for..." (I personally thought this was witty and amusing. Aforementioned mouth breathers apparently find it a good excuse to picture me with Princess Leia buns and masturbate in front of their computers... Eww.)
Unfortunately for me in this particular instance, that is who I am- a bacon loving, card carrying sci-fi fanatic, who can nerd rage with the best of them as to why Timothy Zahn's "The Hand of Thrawn" series should be the next StarWars trilogy. (Did you hear that Disney?!) I am not going to misrepresent myself online to make me more attractive to the kinds of people who aren't still virgins at age thirty-five.
I realize at this point I probably sound really superficial and that's one thing I am discovering about online dating, is you really have no other choice. Unless I want to wade through a dozen or more emails a day and respond to each one, I have weed out the "undesirables." To do so means to literally judge them based on their (usually crappy) profile photo and the scant amount of information they provide. This makes me feel horribly guilty because I am sure some of these men are truly lovely people and would much better represent themselves if they were able to string together more than a couple of sentences under their personal info.
This is why I am "undecided" as to whether I am glad to be getting all this attention, because it forces me to be judgmental of people I barely know and I hate that. Do I think I am going to find my soul mate online? Probably not. More likely I am going to find a bunch of guys who look at my photos and just want to get into my pants. However, there is at least one or two promising prospects and we will have to see how they pan out. For now, however, grab you umbrellas and flip on your windshield wipers, it's raining men my friends-AMEN!
It all started this weekend when I had to meet my soon to be ex-husband to do 2012 taxes (yay tax season!) I was really anxious because I had absolutely no idea how it would go. It was the first time I had seen him in the three months since I moved out. After the initial awkwardness had passed, we feel into our old familiar banter and ended up spending the afternoon together catching up. This was actually very cathartic and healing. I think it helped clear the air and allowed us to take our first baby steps towards being friends after the divorce. I'm glad because, despite the fact that I think we made terrible spouses, I really missed him and his ridiculous sense of humor. Neither of us regret our decision, and even after everything that has happened he's still one of the few people in this world who knows almost everything about me. I hope we remain close because we did, and really do still care about each other. Many of you might be thinking, "Okay this is weird, two people who are getting divorced are actually nice to to each other? That's not how it's supposed to work!"
You're right, we are probably the exception rather than the rule when it comes to divorces, and for that I feel very blessed. Besides, for those of you who actually know me, when have I ever done anything the "normal" way? You think hanging out with your ex is weird? What if I told you that not only did we spend time together without wanting to strangle each other, but we traded dating tips? Then you'd probably think we were bat shit crazy...
But it's true. We joked for at least a good hour about our feeble attempts at dating, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It was during the course of this discussion he told me one of the kindest and most sincere things anyone has ever said to me...
"Someday we will both find our soul-mates."
I know, I want us both to be happy.
"Just do me one favor..."
What's that?
"Don't settle. Don't settle for anything less than the best because you deserve it."
I cry every time I think of that conversation. This is the man I married years ago, this is the man, excruciatingly difficult as it is, that I am giving up. Despite our incompatibility, he's a sweet and wonderful man and I love him dearly (and he's single ladies!! *wink*wink).
Anyway, to make a long back story short, he was the one who suggested trying out OkCupid.com, a free online dating website. Oh boy...
Now, I have always said I would never date men I met online. I have nothing against it per say it just never really felt my "style". But, I figured what the hell, I'll check it out anyway, not like I have anything better to do. So Saturday night I started working on a profile. Before I was even finished filling the damn thing out I already had three guys leaving me messages. Within twelve hours I had seventeen more messages waiting for me in my inbox. All of them telling me I'm "beautiful," "funny," or "seemed really sweet." At first I felt like Scarlet O'Hara and the belle of the ball! All these guys were talking about little ole me! You can't help but feel like you are oozing sexuality when so many men are fighting for your attention. Then I started to realize, "Shit, sifting through all these emails is going to be extremely tedious and annoying..." And believe me I have had some real winners...
My very first email was from a guy named *Dave (names have been changed to protect the pervy...), and it consisted of-
"Hi, my name is Dave, 44. If you secretly like old guys you should message me..."
Yeeeaaahhhh.... Not the best pick up line my friend. Although it's better than the message I got from some caveman whose name I can't even remember because I deleted it so fast, which in its entirety read-
"Hmmmm...."
Hmmm, what? You find me interesting? Pretty? Repulsive? Hmmm, you're a moron and wasting my time? My vote is for the last one.
The other thing that kills me are the guys who message me and clearly have not read my profile, (which is a shame because it's a beautifully written, somewhat sarcastic masterpiece in the world of on-line dating profiles). For example I had an Indian vegetarian contact me when I clearly listed "bacon" as one of my six things I couldn't live without. In fact, if he bothered to read my profile at all he would have noticed this little gem under "Favorite Foods"...
If it includes bacon, I will eat it. If you can wrap it in bacon, I will eat it. Not to go on a tangent or anything, but I firmly believe that bacon is a gift from the gods and should not be squandered. If I could win a lifetime supply of bacon I would die a happy woman... probably of congestive heart failure, but happy none the less.
So please, please, explain to me in what alternate universe would a vegetarian and myself be able to coexist peacefully when pork products are being consumed in large amounts on a weekly, sometimes daily basis at my house? Read My Damn Profile!
Oh, and ninety percent of the guys who apparently do read my profile are creepy mouth breathers who get all hot and bothered by my Game of Thrones references, or the comment under "Favorite Movies" which states- I'm a huge fan of StarWars. If you don't know who Admiral Ackbar is then I'm sorry but, "This is not the girl you are looking for..." (I personally thought this was witty and amusing. Aforementioned mouth breathers apparently find it a good excuse to picture me with Princess Leia buns and masturbate in front of their computers... Eww.)
Unfortunately for me in this particular instance, that is who I am- a bacon loving, card carrying sci-fi fanatic, who can nerd rage with the best of them as to why Timothy Zahn's "The Hand of Thrawn" series should be the next StarWars trilogy. (Did you hear that Disney?!) I am not going to misrepresent myself online to make me more attractive to the kinds of people who aren't still virgins at age thirty-five.
I realize at this point I probably sound really superficial and that's one thing I am discovering about online dating, is you really have no other choice. Unless I want to wade through a dozen or more emails a day and respond to each one, I have weed out the "undesirables." To do so means to literally judge them based on their (usually crappy) profile photo and the scant amount of information they provide. This makes me feel horribly guilty because I am sure some of these men are truly lovely people and would much better represent themselves if they were able to string together more than a couple of sentences under their personal info.
This is why I am "undecided" as to whether I am glad to be getting all this attention, because it forces me to be judgmental of people I barely know and I hate that. Do I think I am going to find my soul mate online? Probably not. More likely I am going to find a bunch of guys who look at my photos and just want to get into my pants. However, there is at least one or two promising prospects and we will have to see how they pan out. For now, however, grab you umbrellas and flip on your windshield wipers, it's raining men my friends-AMEN!
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Good, Good, Good, Good Vibrations...
Monday, January 28, 2013 was a tragic day. One that will live on in infamy for as long as I shall live. That was the day that I opened the bathroom door after my typical morning shower, only to discover my dogs had turned B.O.B. (my battery operated boyfriend), into their new favorite chew toy. I silently mourned our parting as I cursed my naughty puppies, and gently laid BOB to rest in the trash can. He was a good friend, and will be sorely missed.
Melodramatics aside, this event was seriously depressing. When you are a fabulously single lady, there are certain things in life that are an absolute necessity... a good vibrator is one of them. After pouring out my woes to her via text, my friend Amber tried to console me with the following-
"...Could just be a new texture...lol."
"Yeeaahh... not really a fan of 'cheese grater'."
When informed that my dog ate my mechanical playmate, my friend Jordan's response was not quite as helpful-
"Oh my god! Is he ok?! Does he vibrate?!"
For those of you who are wondering, yes, the dogs are fine... I wish I could say the same about my libido.
The only good thing about the whole situation was the timing, for it just so happened that the Saturday after BOB's demise was my kick off for February, my "Superbowl" so to speak of sexuality month- a PureRomance ladies night. I guess if you want to look at it from a more positive perspective, (which I am trying really hard to practice more often), maybe this was the Universe's way of saying "Girlfriend, you need an upgrade!"
This whole adventure year is about trying new things and pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone, and one thing I have never had the pleasure of doing is attend an adult toy party. I have been invited to several, but for whatever reason was never able to go, so I decided to throw my own sexy soiree.
I have to say ladies- if you've never gone to a party like this then you need to add it to your "to-do" list asap. It makes for a fantastic evening. (Sorry gentlemen, no boys allowed due to solicitation laws. I know, I know, this is sexist and grossly unfair...here's a tissue, get over it.) I had a great turnout, 12 women including myself, yummy food, alcoholic beverages for those who were able to partake, good conversation, and a gun case full of sex toys! No seriously, she carried the vibrators in a gun case. If you don't believe me, here is photographic evidence...
Maiya, our consultant, was awesome. She made it so funny and entertaining; I actually learned a lot. Like the fact that you can apparently have a "nipple orgasm." Who knew?! As the evening wore down and everything was said and done, between money I saved up for the occasion, and the money I earned from the party's sales for being the hostess, I was able to get almost $200 in new goodies! (Needless to say I was able to get several replacements for dearly departed BOB...)
After all the other guests left, Amber and I met up with some guy friends to go dancing. As a mom with a young child, Amber doesn't get many free evenings, so we decided to make the most of it, and made our way downtown to Skully's where we could shake our groove thing. I haven't been dancing in a long time, in fact, I think the last time I went dancing was for a Bachelorette party in 2009. Now, I recognize that means I haven't been to a club in almost four years, but I didn't think the rules of etiquette had changed THAT much. So either things have changed, or the men at Skully's are absolute cretins, I'm not sure which.
For example, since when has it ever been okay for a strange man to sneak up behind a woman, grab her uterus and grind their junk all up in her business? When did we go from, "Hi, can I buy you a drink?" to silent, surprise, derriere molestations? I know some women like this, I am not judging I promise, but one of the things I recognized I needed to do from the outset of this project, and have been trying very hard to accomplish, is to love and respect myself, mind, body, and soul. With that being said, I personally do not appreciate people violating my personal space without my explicit permission. If you are a total stranger, don't fucking touch me unless you want me to break you in half like a twig. I had to wrest a couple of morons off my backside at several points throughout the night, and came very close to elbowing one in the face, who felt it was necessary to grab my nether-regions from behind. (Thanks to Kung Fu I could have punched him eight different ways!) Fortunately for him, peeling his fingers off and giving a firm "No thanks," was all that was needed. However, I was subjected for at least another five minutes to comments such as, "Damn gurl! Shake that thang...Mmmhmm! Yeah, that's the stuff..." as Mr. Gropey Hands watched me from the bar several feet away. Nothing like sexual harassment to make you feel like a real lady. It seriously reminded me of the Dane Cook comedy skit about guys at the club (if you've never heard it before check it out here).
I left the club feeling slightly dejected. Where has chivalry gone? My standards might be pretty high, but I don't think it's unrealistic to expect a man to treat you with respect as a human being, rather than a piece of meat that is simply there for his amusement. How would they like it if someone treated their mothers, sisters, or daughters that way?
Maybe someday I will meet a man who, when he looks at me, doesn't just see a pretty face or "assets," but sees me, down to my soul and truly understands me from the inside out. Someone who is respectful and kind, loving, empathetic, sexy and supportive. Someone who I will actually want plastered to my side. Someone where personal boundaries stop being so much of an issue, and "my space" becomes "ours." Maybe someday he will make an appearance. I hope he does, with every fiber of my being, I truly hope he does...
But on the bright side, at least for the interim I have a BOB replacement. T.O.M (my triple orgasm machine, haha) will keep me busy until Mr. Right does decide to waltz into my life and into my waiting arms...
Melodramatics aside, this event was seriously depressing. When you are a fabulously single lady, there are certain things in life that are an absolute necessity... a good vibrator is one of them. After pouring out my woes to her via text, my friend Amber tried to console me with the following-
"...Could just be a new texture...lol."
"Yeeaahh... not really a fan of 'cheese grater'."
When informed that my dog ate my mechanical playmate, my friend Jordan's response was not quite as helpful-
"Oh my god! Is he ok?! Does he vibrate?!"
For those of you who are wondering, yes, the dogs are fine... I wish I could say the same about my libido.
The only good thing about the whole situation was the timing, for it just so happened that the Saturday after BOB's demise was my kick off for February, my "Superbowl" so to speak of sexuality month- a PureRomance ladies night. I guess if you want to look at it from a more positive perspective, (which I am trying really hard to practice more often), maybe this was the Universe's way of saying "Girlfriend, you need an upgrade!"
This whole adventure year is about trying new things and pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone, and one thing I have never had the pleasure of doing is attend an adult toy party. I have been invited to several, but for whatever reason was never able to go, so I decided to throw my own sexy soiree.
I have to say ladies- if you've never gone to a party like this then you need to add it to your "to-do" list asap. It makes for a fantastic evening. (Sorry gentlemen, no boys allowed due to solicitation laws. I know, I know, this is sexist and grossly unfair...here's a tissue, get over it.) I had a great turnout, 12 women including myself, yummy food, alcoholic beverages for those who were able to partake, good conversation, and a gun case full of sex toys! No seriously, she carried the vibrators in a gun case. If you don't believe me, here is photographic evidence...
.JPG) |
| Imagine getting pulled over with this bad boy in your backseat! |
Maiya, our consultant, was awesome. She made it so funny and entertaining; I actually learned a lot. Like the fact that you can apparently have a "nipple orgasm." Who knew?! As the evening wore down and everything was said and done, between money I saved up for the occasion, and the money I earned from the party's sales for being the hostess, I was able to get almost $200 in new goodies! (Needless to say I was able to get several replacements for dearly departed BOB...)
After all the other guests left, Amber and I met up with some guy friends to go dancing. As a mom with a young child, Amber doesn't get many free evenings, so we decided to make the most of it, and made our way downtown to Skully's where we could shake our groove thing. I haven't been dancing in a long time, in fact, I think the last time I went dancing was for a Bachelorette party in 2009. Now, I recognize that means I haven't been to a club in almost four years, but I didn't think the rules of etiquette had changed THAT much. So either things have changed, or the men at Skully's are absolute cretins, I'm not sure which.
For example, since when has it ever been okay for a strange man to sneak up behind a woman, grab her uterus and grind their junk all up in her business? When did we go from, "Hi, can I buy you a drink?" to silent, surprise, derriere molestations? I know some women like this, I am not judging I promise, but one of the things I recognized I needed to do from the outset of this project, and have been trying very hard to accomplish, is to love and respect myself, mind, body, and soul. With that being said, I personally do not appreciate people violating my personal space without my explicit permission. If you are a total stranger, don't fucking touch me unless you want me to break you in half like a twig. I had to wrest a couple of morons off my backside at several points throughout the night, and came very close to elbowing one in the face, who felt it was necessary to grab my nether-regions from behind. (Thanks to Kung Fu I could have punched him eight different ways!) Fortunately for him, peeling his fingers off and giving a firm "No thanks," was all that was needed. However, I was subjected for at least another five minutes to comments such as, "Damn gurl! Shake that thang...Mmmhmm! Yeah, that's the stuff..." as Mr. Gropey Hands watched me from the bar several feet away. Nothing like sexual harassment to make you feel like a real lady. It seriously reminded me of the Dane Cook comedy skit about guys at the club (if you've never heard it before check it out here).
I left the club feeling slightly dejected. Where has chivalry gone? My standards might be pretty high, but I don't think it's unrealistic to expect a man to treat you with respect as a human being, rather than a piece of meat that is simply there for his amusement. How would they like it if someone treated their mothers, sisters, or daughters that way?
Maybe someday I will meet a man who, when he looks at me, doesn't just see a pretty face or "assets," but sees me, down to my soul and truly understands me from the inside out. Someone who is respectful and kind, loving, empathetic, sexy and supportive. Someone who I will actually want plastered to my side. Someone where personal boundaries stop being so much of an issue, and "my space" becomes "ours." Maybe someday he will make an appearance. I hope he does, with every fiber of my being, I truly hope he does...
But on the bright side, at least for the interim I have a BOB replacement. T.O.M (my triple orgasm machine, haha) will keep me busy until Mr. Right does decide to waltz into my life and into my waiting arms...
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| Really crappy picture of Amber and me at the club. It's just bad lighting, I promise you we weren't in the red light district! |
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Comparative Religion 101
During the second semester of my Freshman year of college, I had to take a religion class. Being a student at a liberal arts college this was mandatory. Quite frankly, I had been absolutely dreading it. After being ostracized through most of high school about my beliefs (or lack there of), I had this preconceived notion that college would be the same way. I was pleasantly surprised to find out I was wrong.
I think what saved the day for me was I had the privilege to be in a Dr. Bussie class, and any one who went to Capital knows, either through personal experience or by reputation, that Dr. Bussie is an amazing teacher. She created a non-judgmental educational atmosphere where I felt safe to share my beliefs without the fear of being made an outcast. I went on to take several of her other classes, for the simple fact that I enjoyed them so much.
One of my favorite memories from undergrad came from Dr. Bussie's Intro to World Religions. As an entire class, we took a trip to OSU's campus to celebrate the breaking of the fast/feast of Ramadan. We got to sit down and talk with practicing Muslims about their beliefs and customs. I remember watching them go through their evening prayers thinking it sounded so beautiful, even if I couldn't understand what they were saying. (This is also where I discovered a love for dates, which are the traditional food to break the fast with.) This was the first really multicultural experience I had ever had and it has stuck with me after all these years. I had this memory in mind when I decided to make January spirituality month. I wanted to have the opportunity to experience other cultural and spiritual beliefs outside of my own, and see how they compared and differed from one another. I didn't get to do everything I wanted to this month, some of it due to my own poor planning, and some of it was out of my hands, but I did get quite a lot of accomplished so here is my spirituality month in summary...
St. Joseph's Cathedral (Catholic Church)
When planning out my destinations for the month, I chose St. Joseph's because I have seen pictures of cathedrals, but never actually been in one before. Architecturally, it didn't disappoint. The frescoes and stained glass were gorgeous, as were the vaulted ceilings and the gilded ornaments adorning the walls.
However, this little gem early on in the service reminded why I never enjoyed going to church with Catholic friends growing up...
I think what saved the day for me was I had the privilege to be in a Dr. Bussie class, and any one who went to Capital knows, either through personal experience or by reputation, that Dr. Bussie is an amazing teacher. She created a non-judgmental educational atmosphere where I felt safe to share my beliefs without the fear of being made an outcast. I went on to take several of her other classes, for the simple fact that I enjoyed them so much.
One of my favorite memories from undergrad came from Dr. Bussie's Intro to World Religions. As an entire class, we took a trip to OSU's campus to celebrate the breaking of the fast/feast of Ramadan. We got to sit down and talk with practicing Muslims about their beliefs and customs. I remember watching them go through their evening prayers thinking it sounded so beautiful, even if I couldn't understand what they were saying. (This is also where I discovered a love for dates, which are the traditional food to break the fast with.) This was the first really multicultural experience I had ever had and it has stuck with me after all these years. I had this memory in mind when I decided to make January spirituality month. I wanted to have the opportunity to experience other cultural and spiritual beliefs outside of my own, and see how they compared and differed from one another. I didn't get to do everything I wanted to this month, some of it due to my own poor planning, and some of it was out of my hands, but I did get quite a lot of accomplished so here is my spirituality month in summary...
St. Joseph's Cathedral (Catholic Church)
When planning out my destinations for the month, I chose St. Joseph's because I have seen pictures of cathedrals, but never actually been in one before. Architecturally, it didn't disappoint. The frescoes and stained glass were gorgeous, as were the vaulted ceilings and the gilded ornaments adorning the walls.
However, this little gem early on in the service reminded why I never enjoyed going to church with Catholic friends growing up...
(Excerpt from the mass bulletin...)
"I confess to almighty God and to you my brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do. (And, Striking their breast, they say:) Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault, therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin, all the Angels and Saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God."
"I confess to almighty God and to you my brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do. (And, Striking their breast, they say:) Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault, therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin, all the Angels and Saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God."
Yeah... I already have enough guilt on my own without my religion dishing out another heaping spoonful.
The Verdict: I loved the echoing organ music and breath-taking environment, but probably would have enjoyed it more if I could have prayed alone in the empty cathedral rather than attending a service.
The Magical Druid Grand Opening
Immediately following my trip to the Cathedral, I went to the grand opening of a new spiritual resource center started by some pagan friends of mine. I found it amusing because the pamphlet from the Cathedral talked about the "Wise men journeying out of the pagan lands," so the joke that night was I made the journey out of the "Christian lands into pagan territory" (hahaha witty pagans).
Seriously though, I am really proud of my friends and Three Cranes Grove, they are so active in educating the public and making paganism accessible in central Ohio. Mike and Seamus have been working for months to make their online shop a physical reality. The location is awesome, they have a wide range of products available, and they even feature works by local artists and craftsmen. Click here to visit their site!
The Verdict: No contest, I love my pagan friends and they have always accepted me unconditionally without question. Spending time with them is like coming home to family, even if I don't believe some of the same things they do anymore.
Universal Unitarian Church
The weekend I went to the UUCE, I actually went early in the morning because they were supposed to be doing meditation practice... apparently I should have called ahead, because when I got there the place was empty save one of the guys who helps with maintenance around the place. So I ended up sitting and talking with him for awhile. He was an interesting fellow- he is a self proclaimed "atheist" who sings in a Lutheran choir. Eventually people did show up for the "service" (members take turns presenting topics, as a result lectures can be a bit eclectic). That week they focused on a 2012 review and what members would like to accomplish in their lives for 2013, which was an interesting concept, but we didn't really have a lot of time to talk about it in detail.
The Verdict: Interesting and friendly group of people, they wanted to know more about my adventure year and possibly have me do a lecture about it when I am all done. I would like to go back someday. They also sent me a lovely hand-written card thanking me for coming, which I thought was amazingly sweet.
Tao Te Ching
There really aren't any "Taoist temples" in Columbus, (I think it gets lumped in a lot with Buddhism), but I did read the Tao Te Ching, which Taoism is based on. Written by Lao Tzu and comprised of 81 verses, it's actually quite beautiful and chock full of practical wisdom. One of my favorites...
Universal Unitarian Church
The weekend I went to the UUCE, I actually went early in the morning because they were supposed to be doing meditation practice... apparently I should have called ahead, because when I got there the place was empty save one of the guys who helps with maintenance around the place. So I ended up sitting and talking with him for awhile. He was an interesting fellow- he is a self proclaimed "atheist" who sings in a Lutheran choir. Eventually people did show up for the "service" (members take turns presenting topics, as a result lectures can be a bit eclectic). That week they focused on a 2012 review and what members would like to accomplish in their lives for 2013, which was an interesting concept, but we didn't really have a lot of time to talk about it in detail.
The Verdict: Interesting and friendly group of people, they wanted to know more about my adventure year and possibly have me do a lecture about it when I am all done. I would like to go back someday. They also sent me a lovely hand-written card thanking me for coming, which I thought was amazingly sweet.
Tao Te Ching
There really aren't any "Taoist temples" in Columbus, (I think it gets lumped in a lot with Buddhism), but I did read the Tao Te Ching, which Taoism is based on. Written by Lao Tzu and comprised of 81 verses, it's actually quite beautiful and chock full of practical wisdom. One of my favorites...
"The best way to live is to be like water
For water benefits all things and goes against none of them.
It provides for all people and even cleanses the places a man is loath to go.
In this way it is just like Tao."
Verse 8
The Verdict: Breathtaking. I would like to find a copy of this translation (by Jonathan Star) for myself.
Religulous (Movie)
Ah, Religulous, how very entertaining you are. Atheist comic- Bill Maher goes to town interviewing various religious groups and institutions in this particular documentary. Needless to say hilarity ensues. Some of my favorite moments include- him getting thrown out of the Vatican, getting thrown off the Mormon church property in Salt Lake, talking to a "reformed homosexual," and chatting up a fake Jesus at a "biblical" Disneyland before getting thrown out of there too. (Fake Jesus actually said one of the more interesting things of the movie, he likened the Trinity to the phases of water- solid, liquid and vapor. Wish they would have explained it that way in confirmation, would have made a hell of a lot more sense!)
The Verdict: Absolutely nutty, but it makes you question your own beliefs and assumptions, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Homechurch (Christian Non-denominational)
I went with my friend John to his "church," which is run out of the various member's houses (hence the name). It's an interesting concept and made for a more intimate experience. It reminded me a lot of the bible studies I used to go to in high school, rather than a traditional church "service." The leader made the lesson very down to earth and relevant to today's world, which I thought was very helpful.
The Verdict: Despite the Bible not being my cup of tea, this was definitely the most interesting group of people I met this month. Everyone was extremely friendly and welcoming, and I enjoyed talking to people of many different backgrounds, which was pretty cool.
The KTC (Buddhist Meditation Center)
I did this one pretty late in the month and now I wish I had done it first, because it was amazing! I went for the introduction to meditation class, where the instructor- Ed, was very informative and entertaining. I learned how to hold my body so it wouldn't hurt while meditating, as well as strategies to tame my "monkey mind." Later on during the day, Lama Kathy did a teaching on suffering and patience. I was very happily surprised to discover I couldn't find one thing she talked about that I disagreed with.
The Vedict: I'd like to order whatever they're having! Everyone was really friendly and so freaken peaceful and calm...Must be all the meditation. I will definitely be back, I think there is a lot I can learn from this place.
Queer Yoga (Seriously, that was what it was called...)
Last, but not least, I was supposed to do Yoga at the Vedic Temple, but due to poor planning (I didn't realize it was in Delaware as opposed to Columbus), I ended up not being able to go. As a substitute, my friend Jordan suggested I do Yoga with him... at a gay yoga studio. If you can't do yoga with the Hindu's, homosexuals are the next best thing right? That's what I thought.
Honestly though, the yoga class itself wasn't as eventful as simply trying to purchase my yoga mat yesterday at Meijer's was. Makesh's eyes lit up, (Makesh being the little old Indian man who was bagging groceries), when he saw my mat and proceeded to hug it to his chest as he enthusiastically spent the next 5 to 10 minutes talking at length about the virtues of yoga, and how if I really wanted to learn yoga I needed a Hindu teacher. I smiled and nodded politely as he continued to clutch my yoga mat in a death grip, and I was seriously hoping that I wouldn't have to wrestle this little old man with no teeth to get my mat back, when luck would have it he got distracted by another customer and dropped my mat to verbally molest them instead. (Apparently Makesh, sweet, friendly, little old man that his was, has the attention span of a squirrel... this worked to my advantage and I got the hell out of Dodge before he could snatch up my mat again.)
The Verdict: The yoga class was amazing. Everyone was really friendly and welcoming, and the instructor was very knowledgeable. I have done yoga DVDs before, but the experience of an instructor giving personal feedback was really cool. My body felt fantastic afterwards and, while it wasn't what I would necessarily call "spiritual," I was able to tune into, and listen to my body and what it needed to say during practice. I would definitely go again, if nothing more than for the physical benefits.
I think the lesson learned this month can be summed up in the simple sentence, "Many paths lead to the same destination." In all of my various experiences it seemed the same universal truths came up again and again... love, kindness, and compassion, for others and ourselves. If more people would realize that their religion isn't that much different than their neighbor's then maybe we could finally stop killing each other over "who's right and who's wrong." Maybe someday...
But, as you all are well aware I am sure, today is the last day of January so tomorrow starts a new month and a new focus, and let me tell you, it's going to be crazy. In honor of Valentine's Day, which occurs during the month of February, I am dedicating the next 28 days to "sexuality." I have been simultaneously looking forward to, and dreading this month since I started this project. I've been looking forward to it because I think it's going to be awesomely fun with all the stuff I have in store, and dreading it because I think it's going to be the most awkward month to write about. For my family's sake (and for my own privacy) I will do my best to try and keep things PG 13, but I make no promises. Stay tuned for my antics this month, I am confident they will be quite entertaining ;)
I did this one pretty late in the month and now I wish I had done it first, because it was amazing! I went for the introduction to meditation class, where the instructor- Ed, was very informative and entertaining. I learned how to hold my body so it wouldn't hurt while meditating, as well as strategies to tame my "monkey mind." Later on during the day, Lama Kathy did a teaching on suffering and patience. I was very happily surprised to discover I couldn't find one thing she talked about that I disagreed with.
The Vedict: I'd like to order whatever they're having! Everyone was really friendly and so freaken peaceful and calm...Must be all the meditation. I will definitely be back, I think there is a lot I can learn from this place.
Queer Yoga (Seriously, that was what it was called...)
Last, but not least, I was supposed to do Yoga at the Vedic Temple, but due to poor planning (I didn't realize it was in Delaware as opposed to Columbus), I ended up not being able to go. As a substitute, my friend Jordan suggested I do Yoga with him... at a gay yoga studio. If you can't do yoga with the Hindu's, homosexuals are the next best thing right? That's what I thought.
Honestly though, the yoga class itself wasn't as eventful as simply trying to purchase my yoga mat yesterday at Meijer's was. Makesh's eyes lit up, (Makesh being the little old Indian man who was bagging groceries), when he saw my mat and proceeded to hug it to his chest as he enthusiastically spent the next 5 to 10 minutes talking at length about the virtues of yoga, and how if I really wanted to learn yoga I needed a Hindu teacher. I smiled and nodded politely as he continued to clutch my yoga mat in a death grip, and I was seriously hoping that I wouldn't have to wrestle this little old man with no teeth to get my mat back, when luck would have it he got distracted by another customer and dropped my mat to verbally molest them instead. (Apparently Makesh, sweet, friendly, little old man that his was, has the attention span of a squirrel... this worked to my advantage and I got the hell out of Dodge before he could snatch up my mat again.)
The Verdict: The yoga class was amazing. Everyone was really friendly and welcoming, and the instructor was very knowledgeable. I have done yoga DVDs before, but the experience of an instructor giving personal feedback was really cool. My body felt fantastic afterwards and, while it wasn't what I would necessarily call "spiritual," I was able to tune into, and listen to my body and what it needed to say during practice. I would definitely go again, if nothing more than for the physical benefits.
I think the lesson learned this month can be summed up in the simple sentence, "Many paths lead to the same destination." In all of my various experiences it seemed the same universal truths came up again and again... love, kindness, and compassion, for others and ourselves. If more people would realize that their religion isn't that much different than their neighbor's then maybe we could finally stop killing each other over "who's right and who's wrong." Maybe someday...
But, as you all are well aware I am sure, today is the last day of January so tomorrow starts a new month and a new focus, and let me tell you, it's going to be crazy. In honor of Valentine's Day, which occurs during the month of February, I am dedicating the next 28 days to "sexuality." I have been simultaneously looking forward to, and dreading this month since I started this project. I've been looking forward to it because I think it's going to be awesomely fun with all the stuff I have in store, and dreading it because I think it's going to be the most awkward month to write about. For my family's sake (and for my own privacy) I will do my best to try and keep things PG 13, but I make no promises. Stay tuned for my antics this month, I am confident they will be quite entertaining ;)
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Don't Fear The Reaper
"It is the secret of the world that all things subsist and do not die, but only retire a little from sight and afterwards return again. Nothing is dead; men feign themselves dead, and endure mock funerals and mournful obituaries, and there they stand looking out of the window, sound and well, in some strange new guise."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
In the last couple of weeks not only have I been running several grief groups at school, but I have also been working with quite a few of my own on-going clients who have recently experienced the death of a loved one. When doing grief work with children the question- "Miss Mary Anne, what happens when you die?" inevitably comes up at some point during the conversation. How can you answer that question for anyone who is in mourning, let alone a seven year old? Despite my best efforts at using evasive social work-y questions such as, "What do YOU think happens?" (gotta love answering a question with a question), kids always want to know what I personally think. My typical response in the past has been- "To be perfectly honest, I don't know."
This is a quandary great philosophical minds have been contemplating for millennia, and so much of it is rooted in faith and what religious institutions dictate. This puts me in a bind because, if you have been reading my blog you will know, that I don't, and never have fit into any one religious genre. I have no religious text or spiritual leader to enlighten me (and despite things being a bit challenging sometimes, I actually prefer it that way). So I have never been able to say with any real conviction that I know what happens for sure when you kick the bucket. I struggle with the notion- that you die, your body is put into the ground where it rots, and that's it. There has to be something more, otherwise life seems sort of meaningless. As a result, I have always gravitated toward the concept of reincarnation because intellectually it makes sense to me. Everything is made of energy and science has proven that energy can never be lost or destroyed, just transferred. This is a pretty simplistic explanation of reincarnation I know, but I have never heard any other good arguments for or against it.
Then in December, while I was perusing Half Price Books looking for gifts for family members, I stumbled across a book called Many Lives, Many Masters by Dr. Brian Weiss in the spirituality section. The book is based on Weiss's practice as a psychologist, and looked really interesting, so I wrote down the name and checked it out of the library for some light reading while I was on Christmas break. (Is it sad that mental health non-fiction is my idea of a "fun" read?)
The book revolves around "Catherine" a client who sought Weiss's help in dealing with many debilitating phobias and anxiety. Weiss treated her with standard psychotherapy for eighteen months, (that's a long ass time to be in therapy) with little to no improvement, when he decided to try hypnotherapy and regression techniques to get to the "root" of her problems. Even these strategies weren't working very well until Weiss got the idea to suggest that she "remember the time when her symptoms began" while she was under hypnosis. What ended up happening was Catherine started talking about past life experiences she had hundreds and thousands of years ago in many different parts of the world. The craziest thing of all? After re-experiencing her past lives (and many past life deaths), her symptoms completely disappeared. Since then, Weiss has regressed hundreds of people and been able to later validate much of the detailed information clients have given about a particular culture or place where they lived in another life.
The theory I find the most interesting, however, is with all his experience he has discovered that clients will "recognize" people from their current lives again and again as people they loved or cared about in lives past. This has lead Weiss to believe that souls travel together across time in groups or "soul families," which usually consists of 4-5 souls who end up being family and friends, plus one "soul mate." (Maybe there is something to what my psychic friend told me after all, if you don't know what I am talking about see my previous post here.) The idea that people who are near and dear to you right now have probably been family members, lovers, and friends throughout all your previous lives is such an intriguing concept.
I believe Weiss's work could bring a lot of peace to grieving family members, or to those who struggle with their own mortality. Many people are terrified of death and dying, and as such, take extreme measures to avoid talking about it/and or to curtail death for as long as they can. Weiss makes a wonderful comment about this in another one of his books- Only Love Is Real (yes I ended up reading them all, I am a nerd). He says-
"Our bodies and souls are like cars and their drivers. Always remember you are the driver and not the car. Don't identify with the vehicle. The emphasis these days on prolonging the duration of our lives, on living to one hundred year of age or more, is madness. It's like keeping your old Ford going past 200,000 miles, past 300,000. The body of the car is rusting out, the transmission has been rebuilt five times, things are falling off the engine, and yet you refuse to turn it in. Meanwhile, there is a brand new Corvette waiting for you right around the corner. All you have to do is gently step out of the old Ford and slide into the beautiful Corvette. The driver, the soul, never changes. Only the car."
I am not going to lie, even now after reading Weiss's work, when children ask me what I think about death I still try to avoid answering 1) because it's not my place to tell them what to believe and 2) because I have no idea how the hell you explain reincarnation to a child. Regardless, in my own life I can't help but take solace in the knowledge that death is not necessarily an ending, but a new beginning. A beginning that will surely be filled with loved ones lost and found yet again.
I may not be ready yet to take Death by its cold clammy hand and skip off into the afterlife throwing daisies in my wake, for one thing I don't believe my work in this life is done yet, but when it is my time I would like to think I will go peacefully rather than kicking and screaming. Throwing tantrums are for little ones and God only knows I deal with enough of that at work. Besides, when I am a crusty old geezer I would much rather trade in my beat up old Caddy for a shiny red Mustang convertible and wave sayonara to the geriatric ward as I drive off into the sunset and a new life... Wouldn't you?
Monday, January 21, 2013
Is It A Bird? Is It A Plane? No, It's Just Another Crazy Homeless Man...
When I was still in elementary school, like most kiddos, I wanted to grow up to have superpowers. I thought being able to transform into animals would be pretty awesome (I read waaayyy too many Animorphs books), but if I couldn't have that I would have settled for being able to fly or having x-ray vision. And like most children (and some adults I know), I was deeply disappointed when I grew up and none of these special abilities came to fruition. However, life did see it fit to bless (or curse) me with one particular skill, and that is the ability to make people feel completely at ease around me, even if I have known them for all of five minutes.
There must be something about my persona that gives off the vibe to strangers that I am to be trusted with their deepest, darkest, secrets. As a counselor who interviews families on a daily basis about personal traumas, many of which contain extremely sensitive information, this comes in really handy. In my personal life though, it can be just down right awkward, and as a result I am not unaccustomed to weird conversations with people I hardly know.
When I was a senior in high school I worked as a waitress at IHOP, and had the pleasure of engaging in a long conversation with a bizarre elderly man in a ten gallon cowboy hat about how beautiful my hands were, and how he wanted to photograph them holding a pearl necklace. (At seventeen, I was savvy enough in the ways of the world to know that a "pearl necklace" could be a code word for a creepy sexual favor, never mind the fact that my fingers were usually burned from carrying hot plates and I perpetually smelled like maple syrup. Maybe the aroma of pancakes is an aphrodisiac for dirty old men, who knows?...) I was later told by a reputable source that he really was a legitimate photographer who was just "a little eccentric" (I think "a little" was an understatement).
Then when I was in college working in the registrar's office, a middle aged woman came in and made a same day transcript request. As I was getting the necessary documents together she mentioned she needed them because she was applying to seminary. I made the usual polite comments and then she dropped the religion bomb on me-
"Do you believe in God, darling?" (She was one of those fun people who love to use terms of endearment on complete strangers...)
"I don't really know what I believe. I guess I haven't really figured it out yet."
This was back during my "I'm angry with God," and your typical "I am trying to find myself" phase. Questions like these made me really uncomfortable because they usually ended in your standard- "Oh, you don't know Jesus? Well let me spend the next 20 minutes trying to convert you then!" type of conversation. However, I was spared that lecture and what she actually said was-
"Oh that's okay honey, you'll figure it out someday. I can tell by your aura that you are a very spiritual person..."
I was flabbergasted. How do you respond to someone who has just told you they can see your aura? It was truly a bizarre conversation, even more so because her words ended up being strangely prophetic. The absurdity of these conversations at the time effectively seared them permanently into my memory, never to be forgotten. This phenomenon doesn't happen very often, but when it does it inevitably strikes a chord. I had the pleasure (or pain) of having another one of these conversations last week.
While at work the other day, (I am sensing a pattern here, all the weirdness seems to happen to me while I am working, maybe I should quit and be a hobo...) I was talking with an acquaintance who has recently discovered that she herself has some pretty awesome psychic superpowers. What started out as an ability to do her own muscle testing for supplements, similar to to what Chris does at CAaWC, has quickly developed into being able to test others even from long distances and answer questions about the future. In the course of our conversation I happened to mention I was in the process of getting divorced which, FYI, is probably not information you should casually drop around someone who is psychic, unless you are prepared to receive some crazy spiritual advice. After making the socially acceptable sympathetic remarks she then proceeded to say-
"Can I ask a question for you?" (Meaning ask a question to whatever source she taps into to get her psychic answers...)
"Sure." At this point I was intensely curious. She went really quiet and still for a couple of seconds and then came back with-
"You can stop worrying about whether you made the right decision or not, he wasn't your soul mate."
Slightly skeptical, but intrigued, I couldn't help but ask, "Well, have I at least met my soul mate then?"
Again, she got real quiet and after a few seconds-
"No, he's not in your life yet, but your soul mate will be your companion (as opposed to a friend or a relative, which she later explained). So when you meet him DON'T SCREW IT UP!..."
You would think this would have been good news, but as I am discovering as of late, our minds are not always rational when it comes to affairs of the heart. By the time I drove home that night I was in a full blown existential crisis that sounded a little something like this...
"SHIT, what if I meet him and I don't know it? What if I blow it and miss my chance? The world is a big place, he could be anywhere! Where in the hell should I even start looking?! What if I don't meet him until I am like 50 years old? By that time I will probably be so cynical I will be a crazy old cat lady and he will take one look at me and head for the nearest exist. Fuck, fuck, fuck I am going to be alone for the rest of my natural life..." (Yeah, I told you it wasn't rational. I sometimes think I am closer to the crazy cat lady scenario than I care to admit.)
Instead of being soothed I felt angry, frustrated, and incredibly and heartbreakingly lonely. It took several late nights of karaoke and copious amounts of coffee to bring me back out of my funk.
Whether I believe in prophecy or not, now that I have had a couple of days to process the experience I have decided that maybe it won't be so bad after all. Dating and searching for "the one" could be fun when I decide to test the romantic waters again someday. As long as it doesn't turn into a bad episode of "How I Met Your Mother" I will be fine. (I stopped watching that show after about the fourth season because I got so frustrated with it, and I am pretty sure we STILL don't know who the mother is. If I were those kids I would smack Bob Saget for taking so fucking long to get to the point of the story...)
We already know that the superpowers of our youth don't really exist, so maybe spiritual superpowers don't exist either. Maybe people who claim to have them are making it all up, I dunno. The rational part of my brain wants to dismiss the whole thing as a hoax, while another, equally logical part of myself is willing to admit that there are many things in this world that I don't fully comprehend and maybe never will. What I do know is that my own personal superpower appears to be drawing crazy people like flies to honey. Case in point, just last night on my way to the coffee shop, ironically enough to work on this very blog post, my friend John and I were accosted by a homeless man in the parking lot asking for money. Even after I told him I had no cash to share with him he thanked me and then proceeded to spend the next five minutes telling me his entire life story. Once finished, Dwayne (that was his name I learned) then said "God bless you" and asked for a group hug. Normally strangers touching me really freaks me out, but this time something inside me said "Aw, what the hell, why not?" So I hugged crazy homeless Dwayne in that coffee shop parking lot on campus at ten-o-clock at night.
At some point in your life you just have to accept what you are and embrace the madness...literally and figuratively.
There must be something about my persona that gives off the vibe to strangers that I am to be trusted with their deepest, darkest, secrets. As a counselor who interviews families on a daily basis about personal traumas, many of which contain extremely sensitive information, this comes in really handy. In my personal life though, it can be just down right awkward, and as a result I am not unaccustomed to weird conversations with people I hardly know.
When I was a senior in high school I worked as a waitress at IHOP, and had the pleasure of engaging in a long conversation with a bizarre elderly man in a ten gallon cowboy hat about how beautiful my hands were, and how he wanted to photograph them holding a pearl necklace. (At seventeen, I was savvy enough in the ways of the world to know that a "pearl necklace" could be a code word for a creepy sexual favor, never mind the fact that my fingers were usually burned from carrying hot plates and I perpetually smelled like maple syrup. Maybe the aroma of pancakes is an aphrodisiac for dirty old men, who knows?...) I was later told by a reputable source that he really was a legitimate photographer who was just "a little eccentric" (I think "a little" was an understatement).
Then when I was in college working in the registrar's office, a middle aged woman came in and made a same day transcript request. As I was getting the necessary documents together she mentioned she needed them because she was applying to seminary. I made the usual polite comments and then she dropped the religion bomb on me-
"Do you believe in God, darling?" (She was one of those fun people who love to use terms of endearment on complete strangers...)
"I don't really know what I believe. I guess I haven't really figured it out yet."
This was back during my "I'm angry with God," and your typical "I am trying to find myself" phase. Questions like these made me really uncomfortable because they usually ended in your standard- "Oh, you don't know Jesus? Well let me spend the next 20 minutes trying to convert you then!" type of conversation. However, I was spared that lecture and what she actually said was-
"Oh that's okay honey, you'll figure it out someday. I can tell by your aura that you are a very spiritual person..."
I was flabbergasted. How do you respond to someone who has just told you they can see your aura? It was truly a bizarre conversation, even more so because her words ended up being strangely prophetic. The absurdity of these conversations at the time effectively seared them permanently into my memory, never to be forgotten. This phenomenon doesn't happen very often, but when it does it inevitably strikes a chord. I had the pleasure (or pain) of having another one of these conversations last week.
While at work the other day, (I am sensing a pattern here, all the weirdness seems to happen to me while I am working, maybe I should quit and be a hobo...) I was talking with an acquaintance who has recently discovered that she herself has some pretty awesome psychic superpowers. What started out as an ability to do her own muscle testing for supplements, similar to to what Chris does at CAaWC, has quickly developed into being able to test others even from long distances and answer questions about the future. In the course of our conversation I happened to mention I was in the process of getting divorced which, FYI, is probably not information you should casually drop around someone who is psychic, unless you are prepared to receive some crazy spiritual advice. After making the socially acceptable sympathetic remarks she then proceeded to say-
"Can I ask a question for you?" (Meaning ask a question to whatever source she taps into to get her psychic answers...)
"Sure." At this point I was intensely curious. She went really quiet and still for a couple of seconds and then came back with-
"You can stop worrying about whether you made the right decision or not, he wasn't your soul mate."
Slightly skeptical, but intrigued, I couldn't help but ask, "Well, have I at least met my soul mate then?"
Again, she got real quiet and after a few seconds-
"No, he's not in your life yet, but your soul mate will be your companion (as opposed to a friend or a relative, which she later explained). So when you meet him DON'T SCREW IT UP!..."
You would think this would have been good news, but as I am discovering as of late, our minds are not always rational when it comes to affairs of the heart. By the time I drove home that night I was in a full blown existential crisis that sounded a little something like this...
"SHIT, what if I meet him and I don't know it? What if I blow it and miss my chance? The world is a big place, he could be anywhere! Where in the hell should I even start looking?! What if I don't meet him until I am like 50 years old? By that time I will probably be so cynical I will be a crazy old cat lady and he will take one look at me and head for the nearest exist. Fuck, fuck, fuck I am going to be alone for the rest of my natural life..." (Yeah, I told you it wasn't rational. I sometimes think I am closer to the crazy cat lady scenario than I care to admit.)
Instead of being soothed I felt angry, frustrated, and incredibly and heartbreakingly lonely. It took several late nights of karaoke and copious amounts of coffee to bring me back out of my funk.
Whether I believe in prophecy or not, now that I have had a couple of days to process the experience I have decided that maybe it won't be so bad after all. Dating and searching for "the one" could be fun when I decide to test the romantic waters again someday. As long as it doesn't turn into a bad episode of "How I Met Your Mother" I will be fine. (I stopped watching that show after about the fourth season because I got so frustrated with it, and I am pretty sure we STILL don't know who the mother is. If I were those kids I would smack Bob Saget for taking so fucking long to get to the point of the story...)
We already know that the superpowers of our youth don't really exist, so maybe spiritual superpowers don't exist either. Maybe people who claim to have them are making it all up, I dunno. The rational part of my brain wants to dismiss the whole thing as a hoax, while another, equally logical part of myself is willing to admit that there are many things in this world that I don't fully comprehend and maybe never will. What I do know is that my own personal superpower appears to be drawing crazy people like flies to honey. Case in point, just last night on my way to the coffee shop, ironically enough to work on this very blog post, my friend John and I were accosted by a homeless man in the parking lot asking for money. Even after I told him I had no cash to share with him he thanked me and then proceeded to spend the next five minutes telling me his entire life story. Once finished, Dwayne (that was his name I learned) then said "God bless you" and asked for a group hug. Normally strangers touching me really freaks me out, but this time something inside me said "Aw, what the hell, why not?" So I hugged crazy homeless Dwayne in that coffee shop parking lot on campus at ten-o-clock at night.
At some point in your life you just have to accept what you are and embrace the madness...literally and figuratively.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Hello God? It's me, Mary Anne...
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost
I am almost hesitant to write this month because spirituality is such a personal thing and I generally only share my beliefs with others who I deeply trust and are open minded, but I promised to be raw and authentic so here goes...
What if I told you I talked to God? You'd probably be like- So what? Lots of people talk God, it's called "prayer," duh. Okay, so what if I said I not only talk to God, but God talks back? Then you would probably start taking measurements for my straight jacket and make a reservation for a stay at the local looney bin, but it's true. I have conversations with God, (or the "Great Inspirerer" as I prefer to address It...) and I will get to that in a minute, but first it may be helpful to know how I got to this point.
I grew up in an extremely conservative and religious part of Ohio. Almost all of my friends went to church and about 95% of them were Catholic. I, personally, was raised Methodist and did the whole sunday school and confirmation song and dance, but even at a tender young age I always questioned what I was told ( and for those who know me well this should come as no big surprise). As a result, this often got me into a lot of trouble.
I remember a specific example early on of a time when I made my confirmation teacher angry (or maybe just frustrated, I am not sure you could truly make Leah mad...) because I couldn't understand why the only way you could know God was "through Jesus". It didn't make any sense, especially considering we had just covered the Trinity a week before. Weren't they the same guy?! (Try successfully explaining THAT to a ten year old.) I just couldn't wrap my mind around this idea of God being inaccessible without a mediator, so I chose, rather reluctantly I might add because it went against what I was being taught at the time, to ignore these lessons and believe what felt right to me. And so began my journey of taking the "spiritual road less traveled." A journey that, at times, has been very tumultuous but in the end deeply satisfying.
As I said, I grew up in a conservative town so for me- a person with an extremely liberal belief system, I stuck out like a sore thumb. High school was rough and if I wasn't told I was going to hell at least a couple of times a school week, then it hadn't been a very good week. Not that I ever intentionally antagonized my conservative peers, no sir, not me (mischievous grin).
Then, when I was about seventeen, I went through a typical teenage crisis of faith and gave God a big "Fuck you!" I denied spirituality of any sort for a couple of years, but always felt something was missing and in college started looking for something that really fit me. I went through an interesting (and sometimes rather entertaining) foray through the "isms"... Atheism, Agnosticism, Deism, Buddhism, Paganism, etc., and some of these things came close but never really "clicked".
Finally, about two years ago I read several books that completely changed my entire outlook on religion. The first book, Writing Down Your Soul- by Janet Conner, I came across by accident. I had picked it up because it was a book on journaling, something I am very passionate about. (Rather than spend a lot of money on a shrink I write obsessively instead, it's a hell of a lot cheaper.) I didn't realize it was also a spiritual book until I was a couple chapters in and at that point I almost considered putting it down. However, it wasn't a- "I'm going to cram my beliefs down your throat" sort of book so I continued to read it. It nearly blew my mind when I finally realized where Conner was going with it- she was suggesting that you could write to God and God would actually respond right there on the page! Here was proof that someone, a seemingly sane person, was having a authentic, personal conversation with the Source without needing an interpreter. (Sorry Jesus, while I have an immense amount of respect for you- no one likes a middle man.) Naturally I was skeptical at first and when I tried it out for myself it felt weird and unnatural because I just couldn't let go of preconceived ideas about how you should talk to the Almighty. So I gave up thinking it was stupid and sort of crazy. God, however, can be persistent.
Enter book two into my life- Conversations With God- by Neale Donald Walsch (this is actually a multi-book series) where yet again my beliefs about God were turned upside down. Here is another person
doing essentially the exact same thing that Conner proposed in her book (though I am pretty sure Conversations With God was published first) and with AMAZING results. In a nutshell, the conversation Walsch has with God in these books is absolutely breath-taking and well worth the time it takes to read all of them.
So feeling slightly less crazy, after all now there were at least two other people in the world doing it, I again attempted my own conversation, this time with much better results. Today, not only do I have heartfelt chats with God on almost a daily basis, but I would also go so far as to say we have become *GASP* friends!
You don't have to believe me, you can even call me crazy if you want, that's okay. What I do know is that some of the poetry and insights that come out of my pen during these conversations does NOT come from anywhere inside me (for one thing I am not that eloquent). I also know that these conversations have changed my life in that- I am no longer as fearful of making mistakes, or believing in the "wrong" religion, or even of death itself because the Deity I have come to know and love is never judgmental, is always supportive, and loves me unconditionally no matter how bad I screw up. In fact, I think it's high time you met my good friend the Great Inspirerer, so without further adieu here is a snippet from one of our conversations...
(This is an excerpt from a journal entry from a couple months ago during which I was having a particularly rough week. I chose this conversation to share with you because I think it is one of the most beautiful and comforting things anyone has ever said to me.)
October 22, 2012
(Me) I feel so weary and burdened.
Give it to me.
I feel so angry and frustrated I want to scream.
Give it to me.
I feel guilty and sad because I feel like a complete and utter failure and weak and helpless.
Give it to me child.
Take it, I don't want it anymore.
I will take it Dearheart and know this... On the darkest of nights I am the beacon lighting your way. I am your shelter and your protection from the violent storm. I am the warmth and love that envelopes you and lets you know that it will be okay. I am your champion, I will fight for you, along side you, every step of the way. I am your steady dependable rock, your foundation that will never crack or crumble. I am fierce and brave and strength incarnate and more importantly, as I am all these things so too are YOU because we are One. Where you go, I shall follow and what I am, so too shall you be as we are not separate but part of the Whole. Find strength and comfort in that, Dearheart... Whenever you feel weak or scared or angry, call upon me, call upon my strength and courage and know that you too are strong and courageous.
I frequently look back on this entry when I am lonely or scared and every time I feel the warmth and love I did the first time I received this reassuring message.
So maybe in the end I haven't completely convinced you that having conversations with God isn't utterly insane,to be fair it took awhile to get used to the idea myself, but at this point I try not to worry too much about what everyone else thinks. After all the many long and sometimes painful years of searching, this beautiful relationship I have with my Creator makes me feel like I have finally come home.
And that's exactly where I want to be.
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