50 First Dates...

Stacy- So you must be Lucy's friend. The one who made the tape.

Lucy- I think he's more than my friend. You're my boyfriend, right?

Henry- Yes ma'am.

Stacy- So everyday you help her realize what happened and wait patiently for her to be okay with it, then you get her to fall in love with you again?

Henry- Yes ma'am.

Stacy- Gosh... (a longing sigh, then slaps her husband in the chest) You asshole! You don't even open the fricking car door for me anymore!


Ah, first dates... They are fascinating creatures. It's your first impression of someone, so both people are on their very best behavior hoping to impress this stranger who could potentially be A) your next sexual partner, B) your soul mate or C) a complete psychopath who you will wish you had never met, but unfortunately, didn't figure that out until date number three or four.

Unlike Henry (Adam Sandler) in 50 First Dates, who has to convince his beloved with short term memory loss (Drew Barrymore), to go out with him all over again every day, most people are lucky enough that they only have to go through a first date with a particular person one time. This is a good thing, as first dates can be nerve-wracking. With that being said, then you have the completely insane like me who schedule three first dates, with three different guys, all within a 30 hour time frame.

Go big or go home, my friends. Go big or go home.

To be perfectly honest, I didn't plan for it to happen this way, it just sorta did. I am discovering that I am apparently a hot commodity on OkCupid. I even got an email from the website yesterday saying, "Congrats! Based on the number of clicks on your profile and user ratings, you are one of the most attractive people on this site! Don't let it go to your head..." (I proceeded to laugh hysterically and delete it.)

I have contacted, and been contacted, by several guys over the last few weeks and it all just culminated into them asking me out all at the same time, for the same weekend. I considered trying to spread it out over the course of the following week, but due to my lack of dating experience I figured I would lose my nerve, (and almost did to be frank), and should just bite the bullet and get it over with. As a result, my weekend could have been aptly named "Dateapaloosa!" I ended up with one date on Saturday and two on Sunday...

Date Number One- The Dog Lover
I was most anxious about this one, mostly because it was really my first official date in almost a decade (no pressure or anything). We met at a coffee shop to chat for a few hours. It was a little awkward at first, because I get the impression he's pretty shy, and we were both nervous, but conversation soon relaxed once we began talking about our jobs and our dogs. He's was very sweet in a quiet sort of way, which I am not used to shy guys so it took some adjusting to. He actually gave me a really wonderful compliment by calling me a "renaissance woman." (Meaning I am good at many things, and have a variety of interests. A nicer way of saying "jack of all trades" I suppose.) Never really thought of myself that way, but the title is rather appropriate the more I think about it.

Date Number Two- The Scientist
Date number two was another coffee date, though this one was at one of my favorite local places that I frequent. I think between the familiar locale and already having one date under my belt significantly helped my confidence. Didn't really need it though, the Scientist was anything but shy. In fact, sometimes it was hard getting a word in edge wise! That really didn't bother me much though, it gave me a chance to practice active listening skills and let someone else be the center of attention for once, which is something I need to work on more in personal relationships. Morning coffee turned into lunch and we talked about his research on cancer treatments and my work with holistic medicine, family, sports, pets, you name it. He was bubbly and enthusiastic and I really enjoyed chatting with him over yummy food.

Date Number Three- The Traveler
Save the best for last, this date was the one I was most looking forward to because I had contacted him first, and after talking via email we just had so much in common. We decided to meet at the art museum, which was exciting to me because I love art. I was freaking out a little before our appointed time to meet because I was super early and because I wanted to make a good first impression. I wandered around the gift shop for awhile and then hung up my coat. When I came back, there he was waiting in the lobby and all my nervousness disappeared. Conversation as we walked around looking at the art was friendly and comfortable, an easy give and take that felt very natural. At one point we were stopped by a group of older women remarking on how "nice we looked together," because our outfits matched "perfectly," and "did we plan it that way?" All the while we are laughing because this was literally the first time we had ever met in person. After the museum we went and got coffee and talked for another hour or more. I left for the night with a huge grin on my face, I had had a great time.

Looking back, I am glad I made it through my dating marathon in one piece, I had been really worried about it all the previous week. I consulted many of my dating savvy friends and got a lot of mixed advice such as, "one night stands are okay," and "don't tell them you are getting divorced on the first date." After stressing about it for a few days, I ultimately decided to throw "conventional" wisdom out the window and do things MY way, which meant really listening to my heart to decide what was right for me in any given moment.

And you know what? That worked for me. Each date ended with a hug and nothing more and I was totally fine with that. I don't believe that you have to hop into bed with someone, or even swap spit on a first date. If that's your thing, and you have a willing partner, great- more power to you. It's just not for me. Don't get me wrong, if I really like someone I would be willing to push boundaries after a couple of dates, but I am in no hurry. If my date can't understand and accept this then they are not the man for me.

Update: At the time I started writing this post I hadn't heard back from any of the dates yet, but have since been contacted by all three. The Dog Lover declined going out again because I was honest and said I wasn't looking for a serious relationship right now. He apparently was, and I totally respect that. Best of luck to him, he is a genuinely nice guy. The Scientist asked me out again and I think we are going to do something this weekend. The Traveler bowed out gracefully under the excuse that I wasn't "technically" divorced yet and he was uncomfortable with that. Disappointing? Yes. Surprising? Maybe a little, but to be perfectly honest I am not sure it would have worked anyway. He just celebrated ten years of being a vegetarian and with my diet there is absolutely no way I can cut out meat and stay healthy. (Besides why would I want to? Meat is delicious! I may or may not have cooked a half pack of bacon and a full package of chicken tenderloins in silent protest after receiving his email. Not that I was bitter or anything...) Does it suck? Of course, but I would rather be open and honest about who I am rather than lie to make someone like me. Loving someone means loving the whole person, not just the parts that are cute or convenient.

While a little extreme, in 50 First Dates, Henry loved Lucy despite the fact that he knew she would forget about him every night and wake up the next morning completely oblivious to their relationship. He really loved her at her core, for who she was as a human being.

So with that in mind, and in the words of yet another excellent movie... To all you fellas out there-

"Take me for what I am,

Who I was meant to be.

And if you give a damn, 

Take me baby, or leave me..."

Switching gears, this is my last post for the month. February has definitely been memorable... From the adult toy party to the strip club, online dating to being propositioned to be part of a threesome, (yes, that really happened and no, I didn't do it), I am almost sad to see February go. I almost feel like everything else is going to pale in comparison. March's theme, though not as exciting, is going to be really challenging for me. It might even be my most difficult month out of the whole year. I am going to be tackling mindfulness and patience. I can't tell you how many times in a day I zone out and get lost in my own little world. I also have this nasty habit of wanting to manhandle life and then getting frustrated when it doesn't turn out the way I want it to. So next month I am going to attempt to let go of control and let stuff just roll off my back.

Yeah, that could be interesting. Stay tuned my friends...

It's Raining Men!

Hallelujah? I am still undecided on the topic, but I'm getting ahead of myself...

It all started this weekend when I had to meet my soon to be ex-husband to do 2012 taxes (yay tax season!) I was really anxious because I had absolutely no idea how it would go. It was the first time I had seen him in the three months since I moved out. After the initial awkwardness had passed, we feel into our old familiar banter and ended up spending the afternoon together catching up. This was actually very cathartic and healing. I think it helped clear the air and allowed us to take our first baby steps towards being friends after the divorce. I'm glad because, despite the fact that I think we made terrible spouses, I really missed him and his ridiculous sense of humor. Neither of us regret our decision, and even after everything that has happened he's still one of the few people in this world who knows almost everything about me. I hope we remain close because we did, and really do still care about each other. Many of you might be thinking, "Okay this is weird, two people who are getting divorced are actually nice to to each other? That's not how it's supposed to work!"

You're right, we are probably the exception rather than the rule when it comes to divorces, and for that I feel very blessed. Besides, for those of you who actually know me, when have I ever done anything the "normal" way? You think hanging out with your ex is weird? What if I told you that not only did we spend time together without wanting to strangle each other, but we traded dating tips? Then you'd probably think we were bat shit crazy...

But it's true. We joked for at least a good hour about our feeble attempts at dating, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It was during the course of this discussion he told me one of the kindest and most sincere things anyone has ever said to me...

"Someday we will both find our soul-mates."

I know, I want us both to be happy.

"Just do me one favor..." 

What's that?

"Don't settle. Don't settle for anything less than the best because you deserve it."

I cry every time I think of that conversation. This is the man I married years ago, this is the man, excruciatingly difficult as it is, that I am giving up. Despite our incompatibility,  he's a sweet and wonderful man and I love him dearly (and he's single ladies!! *wink*wink).

Anyway, to make a long back story short, he was the one who suggested trying out OkCupid.com, a free online dating website. Oh boy...

Now, I have always said I would never date men I met online. I have nothing against it per say  it just never really felt my "style". But, I figured what the hell, I'll check it out anyway, not like I have anything better to do. So Saturday night I started working on a profile. Before I was even finished filling the damn thing out I already had three guys leaving me messages. Within twelve hours I had seventeen more messages waiting for me in my inbox. All of them telling me I'm "beautiful," "funny," or "seemed really sweet." At first I felt like Scarlet O'Hara and the belle of the ball! All these guys were talking about little ole me! You can't help but feel like you are oozing sexuality when so many men are fighting for your attention. Then I started to realize, "Shit, sifting through all these emails is going to be extremely tedious and annoying..." And believe me I have had some real winners...

My very first email was from a guy named *Dave (names have been changed to protect the pervy...), and it consisted of-

"Hi, my name is Dave, 44. If you secretly like old guys you should message me..."

Yeeeaaahhhh.... Not the best pick up line my friend. Although it's better than the message I got from some caveman whose name I can't even remember because I deleted it so fast, which in its entirety read-

"Hmmmm...."

Hmmm, what? You find me interesting? Pretty? Repulsive? Hmmm, you're a moron and wasting my time? My vote is for the last one.

The other thing that kills me are the guys who message me and clearly have not read my profile, (which is a shame because it's a beautifully written, somewhat sarcastic masterpiece in the world of on-line dating profiles). For example I had an Indian vegetarian contact me when I clearly listed "bacon" as one of my six things I couldn't live without. In fact, if he bothered to read my profile at all he would have noticed this little gem under "Favorite Foods"...

If it includes bacon, I will eat it. If you can wrap it in bacon, I will eat it. Not to go on a tangent or anything, but I firmly believe that bacon is a gift from the gods and should not be squandered. If I could win a lifetime supply of bacon I would die a happy woman... probably of congestive heart failure, but happy none the less.

So please, please, explain to me in what alternate universe would a vegetarian and myself be able to coexist peacefully when pork products are being consumed in large amounts on a weekly, sometimes daily basis at my house? Read My Damn Profile!

Oh, and ninety percent of the guys who apparently do read my profile are creepy mouth breathers who get all hot and bothered by my Game of Thrones references, or the comment under "Favorite Movies" which states- I'm a huge fan of StarWars. If you don't know who Admiral Ackbar is then I'm sorry but, "This is not the girl you are looking for..." (I personally thought this was witty and amusing. Aforementioned mouth breathers apparently find it a good excuse to picture me with Princess Leia buns and masturbate in front of their computers... Eww.)

Unfortunately for me in this particular instance, that is who I am- a bacon loving, card carrying sci-fi fanatic, who can nerd rage with the best of them as to why Timothy Zahn's "The Hand of Thrawn" series should be the next StarWars trilogy. (Did you hear that Disney?!) I am not going to misrepresent myself online to make me more attractive to the kinds of people who aren't still virgins at age thirty-five.

I realize at this point I probably sound really superficial and that's one thing I am discovering about online dating, is you really have no other choice. Unless I want to wade through a dozen or more emails a day and respond to each one, I have weed out the "undesirables." To do so means to literally judge them based on their (usually crappy) profile photo and the scant amount of information they provide. This makes me feel horribly guilty because I am sure some of these men are truly lovely people and would much better represent themselves if they were able to string together more than a couple of sentences under their personal info.

This is why I am "undecided" as to whether I am glad to be getting all this attention, because it forces me to be judgmental of people I barely know and I hate that. Do I think I am going to find my soul mate online? Probably not. More likely I am going to find a bunch of guys who look at my photos and just want to get into my pants. However, there is at least one or two promising prospects and we will have to see how they pan out. For now, however, grab you umbrellas and flip on your windshield wipers, it's raining men my friends-AMEN!

The Scarlet "D"

"In all her intercourse with society, however, there was nothing that made her feel as if she belonged to it. Every gesture, every word, and even the silence of those with whom she came in contact, implied, and often expressed, that she was banished, and as much alone as if she had inhabited another sphere, or communicated with the common nature by other organs than the rest of human kind."

-The Scarlet Letter

When I was a Junior in high school we had to read Nathaniel Hawthorne's classic- The Scarlet Letter, for AP English class. I don't remember much about it except that I hated it with a passion. It was a tedious, painful reading experience and the only book to date that I have had to buy a Spark-notes guide just so I could muddle my way through it. However, the one detail that has stuck with me after all these years is the fact that the main character, Hester Prynne, had to wear the scarlet "A" to mark her as an adulterer, to make her stand out so people could essentially avoid her at all costs (snooty Puritans). While I am not, nor have I ever been an adulterer, I can relate to poor Hester and the alienation she felt. However, unlike like Hester's "A", my scarlet letter would have to be a "D" for "divorcee." 

I knew ahead of time that ending my marriage would change the relationships I had with mutual friends and family, but I had no idea people would flip on me the way some of them have. People who I have considered friends and have spent a lot of time with over the past few years have suddenly dropped off the map and I haven't heard from them in months. Worse still, are the people I have seen in person since announcing my divorce who proceeded to treat me like a pariah. One person even went so far as to leave the room whenever I entered to avoid having to talk to or even be in the same vicinity as me.

That hurt. A LOT. I was pretty depressed and extremely angry about it for awhile, but in time and after a couple of really pissed off journal entries I came to the following conclusions...

Cliched as it might sound, people really do come in and out of our lives all the time. Some stick around longer than others, but every single person is a teacher with something important to contribute to our journey. As much as I wish I did, I have no control over the way other people treat me, only how I respond to their words and actions however hateful they may be sometimes. So here is my response...

To all of you who will probably no longer associate with me (and you know who you are), I just want you to know- that I understand. It's hard being put in the middle and made to feel like you have to choose. My husband and I have tried really hard to avoid making people pick sides, but ultimately it just happens. No matter what you may think of me or the choices I have made, in my heart I will always remember you as my friends and I will cherish all the wonderful memories we have made over the years. I wish you lots of love and happiness in your lives and I am extremely thankful for the time we did share together. Thank you for having been a part of my life and may God bless you all.

With that being said (and now that the tears are falling freely on my laptop), it's time to let it go and move on.

As baffling as it has been to watch people turn away from me, the complete opposite end of the spectrum has also been equally as amazing. Some of my friends, many of whom I haven't spent a lot of time with over the years, have not only welcomed me back with open arms but have quite literally become my knights in shining armor come to save the day. Considering this month's theme is gratitude I feel it's only appropriate to let these people know how much I love and appreciate them.

In the days after I told my husband I wanted to leave I started scraping together, the best that I could, a support system to lean on as I was nothing short of a hot mess. What I have found since is a family. From college friends, to coworkers, to members of the Grove, I have been showered with love and offers of support, places to crash and used furniture. I have had weekly, if not daily check-ins just to say "hi" and see how I am doing. I am getting phone calls and business cards for health insurance and legal aid because "so and so" knew a guy and had them call me. Rarely do more than a few days go by that I am not invited to do something just to get me out of the house, and I know when I move in a couple of days friends and family will descend in droves upon my home to help me start a new life in my own place. In just a few short months I have already begun making new friends who have embraced me as one of their own and my circle continues to expand. Now when people ask me how I am doing I can honestly say (to quote the Fab Four) "I get by with a little help from my friends."

It makes me wonder if The Scarlet Letter would have ended differently if Hester had had one good friend to turn to in her struggles. Sure, the hurtful people would have still been there, would always be there, but I believe you can endure anything with a good friend by your side. I still have my moments and situations when I get down on myself and feel like that big "D" is emblazoned across my chest, but when I am with my friends I am not a "divorcee" anymore, just me- Mary Anne, and that is one of the most freeing feelings in the world. Thank you guys, (and again you know who you are!) I love you more than you will ever know.

Special thanks to Jordan, John, Maggie, Steph and Amber who were there with me at ground zero and have been there every step of the way since. You guys rock!

Prologue Part 3: The Hailstorm

Hola my friends! Glad you could make it back. If this is your first time on my blog make sure you catch up on my first two posts here and here, so you get the whole story.

I left off last time talking about having better health, losing weight, and an awesome new job. Things were really looking up for me...and then the shit hit the fan so to speak at the end of August.

For the longest time I had thought that my job was the source of my unhappiness, that if I could fix that I wouldn't feel so discontent. Now I had this new, exciting job opportunity and I was still feeling stuck and frustrated. After a lot of soul searching I came to realize that the problem was the one thing I had always relied on over the last eight years, namely- my marriage.

My husband and I had had our fair share of ups and downs, we fought and made up just like every other couple, trouble was we were just so different. It was to a point where we were essentially living separate lives and I realized I didn't want that anymore. Making the decision to end my marriage was (and continues to be) one of the most difficult and painful things I have ever done.

By no means do I want you to think my husband is a "bad" person. I wouldn't have shared my life with him for eight years if he was. We were really young when we first started dating and had just grown apart over time as we both worked towards becoming the people we were meant to be. Hard though it is, I truly believe that real love sometimes means saying "I care enough about you not to put you through this anymore." There are still days where I am wracked with guilt and an overwhelming sense of failure, but I know in my heart (and my husband agrees, whether reluctantly or not I don't know) that this is what is best for both of us. If we had tried to "stick it out" another couple of years I don't know if it would have ended as amicable as it is right now.

Since this all came out about a month ago I have been busy looking for an apartment and packing up my belongings, as I made the choice to move out of the house that we own together. If all goes according to plan I should be able to move into my new apartment on November 10th. The idea of being on my own and alone for the first time in... well ever, is completely and utterly terrifying, but I am also so thankful for it gives me the time and opportunity I need to heal from such a great loss as well as get to know myself again.

Since that fateful day in September when I told my husband I wanted out, I have thought a lot about why my marriage didn't work and what role I personally played in it's ending. What did I need to do for myself and what did I need to do to be a better partner the next time around?

This is where we FINALLY get to the fun part!

It is no coincidence to me that all of these life altering changes are coming to a climax right before Samhain ("Sow-en"), the Celtic New Year (or Halloween for those who are not well versed in Celtic holidays). While I practice my own special brand of spirituality, I borrow heavily from Paganism and have a lot of Pagan friends who I hang out with. At Samhain people tend to make "oaths" or take "vows" for the following year, almost like a new year's resolution, and I had been tossing around the idea of taking a vow to work on myself for the next 12 months. Trouble was "working on yourself" is kind of vague and I didn't have much direction on where to go with it until I stumbled across a book at the library called "Flunking Sainthood: A Year of Breaking the Sabbath, Forgetting to Pray, and Still Loving My Neighbor" by Jana Riess. The basic premise of this particular memoir is that Riess commits to a new spiritual practice each month such as fasting or meditation. Bingo! The light bulb clicked on and I had a brilliant idea.

So here is the gist of what I am cooking up for the next year...

In all of my introspection over the last month or so I had made a list of things I wanted to improve about myself. Out of that list I picked one characteristic to correspond with each month for the next year. My theme for that particular month will determine a lot of the choices that I make and the activities I engage in with the idea that I am going to write about all my adventures (and misadventures) along the way.

Here is a teaser of some of the ideas I have for the next 12 months...

• A random weekend road trip to swim in the ocean
• Learn glassblowing
• Audition for a play
• Adopt a family at Christmas
• Attend services from various religious traditions
• Go bungee jumping or sky diving (Come on Groupon I need a discount!)
• Enter artwork into another show
• And finally- bare it all emotionally (and maybe physically too, bet you can't wait for that month!) right here on my blog. 

Sharing this experience with all of you, I think, is the most important part of the process and here's why- When I first came up with the idea of a year long transformation I fully intended to journal about it (as I have been an avid journal writer since 1995 believe it or not. Some of those early journals are hilarious...) It wasn't until my friend John said "Hey you should write a blog about this" that I made the decision to create this site. The way I look at it is this, while I am doing this for me, I know there are so many people out there who are going through similar experiences or who are just meandering through life with the "same shit different day" mentality. If my experiences can inspire others to live a more meaningful and fulfilling life then putting myself out there will be totally worth it.

I kick off my adventures on October 28th when I take my vow and then the year officially starts on November 1st with "Gratitude" as my focus for the month. I invite you all to be my partners in crime so be sure to check in frequently to stay up to date with my all my crazy escapades and the low down on each month's theme. Don't be fooled by gratitude, some of the later months are going to be pretty wild!

Buckle your seat belts my friends, I have a feeling we're in for a quite a ride!